After several months of strange and almost comical ballyhoo the White House finally admitted that Joe Biden was no longer in full capacity as the president, but in fact a formaldehyde imbibed corpse that was being remotely operated by members of the staff.
In the months leading up to this announcement, forsooth Biden’s entire presidency even before his election, showed a decline in mental faculties. Although this was the case, his already deteriorated condition and failing body was goaded forth by elder abusive wife, Edith Wilson, I mean Jill Biden. Entering into Wilson’s third term of cognitive decline the party puppeteered the president with preposterous progressive pedantry. The White House played the piper and the media danced to the tune as news networks run offense for the multiplying blunders that plagued President Biden.
Biden’s health and cognitive abilities have been in question for years. A man of lower IQ who would castigate individuals for disagreeing with him and he would spew utter blatherskite about being an intellectual juggernaut all while plagiarizing speeches from other more learned and respected politicians. On top of his incomplete intelligence, Biden, also suffered an arterial aneurysm in the 80’s, which almost gave him a “Regarding Henry” moment of restricted blood flow to the brain.
The final turn in his condition accelerated when he became president and came under charge of handlers. His real job was to be a figure-head of the administration with no de facto power or say in any of the decision making. Instead a gaggle of young woke ninnyhammers were his care takers parading him around. Biden’s age caught up with him and he suffered micro strokes which impaired him even further. He became “old man-ish” as the gaggle described, a grumpy cantankerist that was only satiated by mounds of sugar laden ice cream, which compounded his condition. The sugary diet only exacerbated Biden’s metastasizing type 3 diabetes, which was on full display as he congratulated ghosts and slaughtered the English language in meandering mumble speeches. Without really understanding what was happening the gaggle turned to stimulants to augment Biden’s performance. This disastrous turn led to a massive stroke that caused Biden to do his final hair sniff.
Panicking from the fatal fiasco the administration decided to hoist a rubbery mannequin instead of initiating the line of succession. “Optics”, they cried as they lived and died, optics. Fearful of the Kamala curse of raging rancor behind the scenes, and the kindergarten orations with longer than Shantner pauses from ineptitude, the staff struck a cord to turn the cadaver into a dancing marionette. They surreptitiously reached out to the NSA to capture any Neuralink correspondence and reverse engineer the chip under the guidance of the military research. With the help of the White House doctors they were able to implant the chip into Biden. Staffers took turns operating the president via remote with jittery results as his body would spasm, twitch, and sometimes oscillate from transient remote interference. The secret service decided that they should change his code name to “Bernie” seeing that the staffers have to drag his body everywhere and act like he was alive. Left wing political pundits extolled the situation saying “This new Biden looks so alive, he’s positively electric.” Biden ended up looking like a stale vibrating effigy of himself.
The circus continued and the administration kept pushing a deleterious woke agenda.
This article is satire. No short-beaked echidna were harmed in the creation of this article.
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