Devastated by the apparent loss of the election Kamala took to roof of the White House to as she put it, “End it all.” Secret Service agents had to intervene to keep her from a hands free face plant into the rose garden.
The Run Up
The political jostling, pundits, polls, perfidy plots, and prosecution the 2024 presidential election has been the strangest and most divisive in United States history; However in the last few months running up to Election Day views on the direction of the country solidified. Everyone agreed the country was going in the wrong direction even those in power who were making the decisions, but decided not to change direction could see it, and instead decided to blame those who were not in power.
Kamala’s camp doubled down on their TDS (Trump Derangement Syndrome) saying “Orange Hitler is bad,” as opposed to a Fuchsia or Puce Hitler who might not be as bad in the understandings of D.I.E. (Diversity, Inclusion, Equity) because of their color representation. And apparently Orange Hitler had some good ideas like no tax on tips, which kind of confused strippers and remunerating ladies of the night. It seemed special K campers waited till Orangie spoke to copy his former business sense in order to capture Americans tired of the financial fiasco foisted upon them, but these individuals were smarter than the smore wielding weirdos of the Kamala camp who persuaded their candidates to costume up and make like a closet communist wearing conservative camouflage to capture concerned countrymen, countrywomen, country-zers,+, -, &, ?.
The Trump train chugged along picking up passengers to partner with the party. After almost being partially punctured by a pusillanimous punk with a powerful pea-shooter, Trump transformed into salient speaker skipping to trenchant touchstones about the shape of the U.S. of A. Along the ride across America the train picked up disillusioned Democrats ditching delusional dolts running the country into the ground. Tusi Gabbard, R.F.K., Nicole Shanahan boarded the Trump train along with a whole host of diseffected Americans.
Swing States and Outliers
The focus of every election are the fish-like flip-flopping of the swing states, which it seems residents can easily be swayed one way or another. Not enough focus is placed on the other states which lean solidly, in past elections, in either direction and that is where this story tenders a twist, but more on that later.
Swingers as these states will be called have varied over the years and is what the current election focuses on seeing if these states will flop once more, so candidates spend most of their time there cajoling voters, perhaps with fake accents and misused jargon. As much as candidates speak to the people other occurrences appear in contradiction in each state which gives pause to its residents. One candidate might say that they are for your rights, but at that the same time they are importing citizens from other countries who on a specific occasion might strike you over the head suspending your need for certain rights as your life bleeds out of you and you grow cold and lifeless. Or the candidate was going to give you money, which technically was already yours in the first place, how generous. In turn it seems these Swingers make up their mind and find that the current crop of caustic chiefs in charge don’t cut it and need to be canceled, which causes them to see red.
Bleeding over from middle America even the costal states found themselves suffering from Democrat delinquency. These, the outliers, California and New York, suffered at the hands of Democrat leaders and got to see first hand what would be in store for the rest of the nation if Kamala came to power. The Fecal Fuher himself, Gavin Newsom let California slip in to a dystopian toilet town replete with drugs, crime, and homicide. New York Mayor Adams and airhead Governor Hochul did no better, except they decided to import their criminals to get ahead of the California curve, they didn’t want to be left out of the misery. Both places became the prophetic nightmare of Snake Plissken, and were primed to be swing states in the 2024 election.
Results
Polls predicted precarious prognostications of pretty even performance between Kamala and Trump; However this was mistake on their part. Pollsters got lazy and they skewed their samples undercounting, leaving out demographics and people who for the first time in their lives decided to vote, or even over looking the Amish. The polls got it wrong, plane and simple.
The Swing states for the most part went red. Trump captured Georgia, Wisconsin, Arizona, Nevada, and North Carolina. Pennsylvania was a hold out and it took longer to count the votes than realized, but it didn’t matter California and New York went red throwing Trump way past 270 into 379. Not only did Trump capture the electoral vote he won the popular vote by getting 106 million votes, the most in United States history for the election of the president. A Landslide.
The Roof (is on fire, wait wrong reference)
Awaiting the results, Kamala and her team gathered at the White House to host a triumphant celebration in the seat of power she had been helming, but as the time wore on it became apparent that there would be no ecstatic exultation of her endeavor to win the presidential race, nothing was going to happen, for her.
Distraught, Kamala meandered through the halls where Biden had lumbered in confusion and Hunter had done lines, no longer a hallowed hall of revered fore fathers, but one of a paper thin veneer. She climbed the stairs and found herself atop the house. Reaching the edge secret service appeared and yelled for her to stop. She ignored them, and frightened they tackled her to keep her from jumping.
Kamala has been put under observation after the incident and doctors are puzzled not knowing what to do because she keeps laughing, is she fine or does she need to be committed?
This article is satire. No Oxpeckers were harmed in the creation of this article.
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